While it has been quite easy to attempt to cut someone out of my life without any hostility, it seems difficult for them to realise I have done this. I am not giving a "cold shoulder", I just don't want to be friends any more. I don't feel hatred or resentment, and I haven't said or done anything to create a tension. I just want to pull away from it and move on. Like so many marriages which dissolve into a relationship of mere convenience, routine, or duty, this relationship has become one where as "friend" I am expected to endure endless commands, requests, criticism and to receive "friendly" gestures only when it suits. I have turned into a lesser priority over the last few years. Those appear to be the facts. While at first I was quite annoyed at the situation which prompted me to make this decision, as the weeks have passed I have not really felt anything. I have not missed or felt sad or angry, I have not desired to share anything or "catch up". In fact, my mind has been filled with a much deeper focus on certain things, especially wholesome and important things. I have decided it would be unkind of me to act in any hostile way. Naturally while I still feel love, as a fellow human being, I don't currently possess a great enough affection or rapport to feel bitterness. I have thought through forgiveness, confrontation, outright nastiness... We are supposed to present the other cheek for a second blow, receive it gladly, continue on in love. What about smiling and walking away? I have tried to find a moral excuse to, in a sense, walk away and move on, and there seem to be the selfish reasons like "not wanting to put up with it any longer" and then a statement of my conscience which says that I should turn from any bad influence. One half of the person I was 6 years ago has really changed; that is unchangeable and simply the path that I've traveled, but there have been countless occasions where my choices were simply wrong. Wrong in any context, in fact. Anybody might've led me there, but I was never dragged, only following willingly.
I think I can then say, "no, I don't like what I am when I am influenced by you, or what I have become because of my inability to make a good decision or exercise discretion while in your endlessly-encouraging presence. Therefore, I remove myself from your presence and carry on where I am more needed or can find more wholesome endeavours (and people) who encourage me in a better way."

Now, I am not sure where this is going, but I will see if any new events or thoughts change any of this in the coming months.

In other news, I received a B+ for my exam (practical) which was good because it was higher than I hoped. The report was nicer than I expected and it has been relaxing to be able to put those pieces down (or pick them up for a run-through just for pleasure). I am going to work on "Big My Secret" for a summer recital, and a Chopin Nocturne (and hopefully polonaise) in the coming months. I had a lovely opportunity to sing a capella in a group the other day as part of a sort of seminar, or informal lecture, out of a series of other "lectures" at he School of Philosophy's Cultural Day. Only a few others were able to follow well or hold a good tone, but there were certainly moments where things were together and harmonious. I would love to be back in a choir singing some warm alto part!

New things on my agenda include going to the dentist, helping my grandparents have a garage sale and move into a retirement village, attending a Twilight/New Moon release in Geelong, and then I don't know what. Little things just pop up in between. I am reading "Angel Time", Anne Rice's instalment in her newest series, which certainly won't disappoint, and hopefully receiving a bookplate from her to place in the cover! I have been reading The Purpose Driven Life, Jesus Freaks, and What's So Amazing About Grace? which are encouraging and inspiring for the most part. They have certainly led me to think a lot harder, put some things into perspective, and strengthen (or perhaps rebuild in an all new material) my relationship with Jesus!

Leaving in one hour for piano exam. My right hand is SORE from yesterday's practicing and erasing all the pencil marks on my music. It's funny when you have nearly a year's worth of focus on a repertoire and then it all comes down to an hour or so with an examiner, and I don't have to play them again. I like my pieces but it will be lovely to have some new goals, hopefully another Bach fugue, Beethoven sonata movement (Appassionata 2nd or Pathetique 1st!) and certainly a Chopin waltz or mazurka.
My recital on Sunday seemed to go as good as possible, the Beethoven in particular was being really driven along by something. Was pleased.

This is probably the earliest I have EVER posted on LJ. Breakfast time!

Fun day today. Had a short lesson, then ordered sheet music for exam (need genuine copies that aren't covered in pencil), and took my older sister her birthday present (a basket of French wine, poached pears, organic free trade chocolate, Aesop hand balm, and chai tea mix and drinking chocolate mix (it's like real chocolate in powder form)). Her and my nieces seem to be stressed to the max at the moment. I think they're stressheads anyway but they deserve a break too. Hmm.
I saw CDs I've been really want in the music shop; Nyman's opera, Facing Goya, Yvonne Kenny's Handel Arias, and an Emma Kirkby CD. Resisted them for now, since they're obscure and no one is going to snap them up. Couldn't resist a few other things though, including 5 tealight candle-holders at $3 each with nice damask patters, and for about $30 got 8 books from op shops that I didn't have (now I have 6 or 7 editions of the Silmarillion, yay), including some ancient French books. If they were all new I think it would've cost in excess of $150. Oh, and a nice gold plaster mirror for $20, smaller and less ornate than Adam's but cute anyway.





I made my first quiche for dinner tonight, but now I'm still hungry. :( There is no chocolate left either. I think I'm going to have a quiet day tomorrow since Friday I have yet another lesson and recital. Need to pick a second piece though, and I'm choosing between Chopin and Ravel. The Chopin is a bit longer and more impressive, but perhaps I'll wait and see what the audience is like. This reverend/bishop man was around this afternoon and had lots of encouragement for me, so that's nice.
My grandparents are moving into a retirement village soon, buying a smaller place than what they have now, since now is a good time for them to do it.
Ooh, Adam and I bought DS chips last night, can't wait for them to arrive!
My mind seems to be flitting from one random thing to another. I wonder how many events and thoughts I can fit into one post without it being too incoherent!
I composed about 36 bars of a song last night, though it's not exactly a final draft and needs to be 3 times longer still before I can really develop it and call it finished. It's not quite the same as my usual pieces, and I'm not bored of it yet which means it has potential.
I really want to see Tosca and the Marriage of Figaro next year when they show next in Melbourne. La Traviata is only playing in Sydney though. :( Melbourne needs a bigger classical and opera presence, and it's times like this that the idea of living in a city and being ferried a short distance to an opulent theatre to see something, especially baroque or Italian opera, with champagne and chocolate, dinner, and a stroll afterward, it becomes attractive. But I like being far away. 

I decided to play 'photographer' today, and dolled my niece up in my clothes and makeup to try and get some cool pictures. I'm quite pleased with them actually, played around with the levels to get interesting lighting, but that's it. The first is my favourite.
I have a small preview of a shoot I modelled in weeks ago, I thought the makeup and styling was interesting.
What else... As usual I owe a lot of money and have none, but there will be an increase to my pension soon and two payments should cover all my bills and this term's piano lessons. I was seriously stressing about piano for a bit but have relaxed since I had some recitals that went well. I've FINALLY been concentrating a more on technical work (mastered those diminished and dominant 7ths at last!) but need some more opportunities to practise the aural tests. This feels like such a big deal for like, one hour's examination, and only seventh grade at that. But at least progress is being made in one part of my life.

I still badly need... a pair of everyday shoes, my own ungraffitied copy of Ravel's "Valses nobles et sentimentales", and probably the entire Well-Tempered Clavier. Grrr, it's just turned fucking daylight savings. Whose brilliant idea was it to make people get up in the dark just so we could have another hour of daylight when most people are sitting at home watching the evening news or eating dinner? At least W.A. got to vote it out.

I did up a quick new header to match this new layout too. It was time for a different colour and mood.

Last week I had an extremely unpleasant experience (nothing major though) and after it decided to change a few things. I felt extremely unhappy for about 3 days and didn't want to do anything or play piano. It rained very solidly which was sort of cool, but it meant I couldn't go for walks. The sun came out on Monday which made me happier, and I had a good piano lesson. I picked up my niece who stayed with me until this evening, bought two much-needed bras (one really pretty with matching bottoms and the other supportive enough for me to run around in), and then enjoyed the week as much as was possible. Today for the first time, even with intense pain when I awoke, I managed to get up with relative ease and started feeling in control of my illness. I can't completely ignore it, but while it does not define me it is still integral to my life and may always be. Being slightly more active is giving me the increased mood to deal better with it, and I am convinced that this could play a huge part in the recovery or management of almost any illness. The hard part is only deciding to start and then sticking to it! My better mood could be in part due to the fact that, after the 'unpleasant experience', I decided to separate myself from a certain issue and my mind has not been dwelling on it so much since. It's something I don't think I can change and I don't want to get caught up in the trajectory of events, conversations and opinions now. I have no desire to resolve it at present and would rather have nothing to do with it until a time when, by unforeseeable chance, it ceases to be something that leaves me feeling inferior and taken for granted. I'm aware that I'm being prideful but there are only so many times you can stick your hand into a flame.

Thankfully there are other sources of joy and meaning in my life. I'm going to cuddle with one of them now...

Ahh, our weekend is all over now. I won't really miss Sydney at all but I do lament the fact that Melbourne doesn't get as many good shows.

Some highlights in the last week include:
- Confirming my 7th grade exam... don't know when it will be yet though.
- Having Michael Nyman offer to meet me backstage after his concert next week.
- Seeing Half Blood Prince (yyaaaaayyyy!).
- Getting a new corset and skirt.
- Seeing Acis & Galatea / Dido & Aeneas.
- Jumping on a random ferry and cruising around Sydney harbour at night.
- Adam buying me cool things in Sydney.
- Arriving home in the early hours of Tuesday to a note informing me that the cat had left a dead mouse somewhere in my room. I have yet to find it.

On the wishlist there still remains:
- Money for the rest of this term's piano bill, and to pay Adam back.
- Tickets for Handel's Messiah in December.
- Nodame Cantabile piano bag
- 3 Bach music books + a Ravel book
- A good metronome and enough money to get my piano tuned
- This DS shell replacement

Can't think of anything else to talk about. I just feel annoyed for no reason right now.

Hehe. Adam looks like Snape in my userpic, which is good because I've been having random bursts of Severus-lust. On that note, I'm pissed off because all the IMAX midnight screening tickets for HBP sold out, as have the gold lounge ones for my closest cinema. No genuine pirated versions have popped up yet so unless they do in the next few days (it's quite possible) I shall be seeing it merely on the day along with all the other poor sods who settle for that. Harumph. I feel very disconnected from fans at the moment. All the old people I used to obsess over Harry with have sort of gone their own ways, and nobody directly around me seems to have... well, the passion for it. I can't connect with anyone over this, ugh! Well, it's probably a good thing that I can't find too many people that get obsessive like I do over certain things!

Anyway, I had a horrid head cold all of yesterday which kept me in bed, and have been recovering today. Also, I shouldn't have eaten large serves of icecream two nights in a row when I felt a sore throat coming on. Being sick meant I couldn't go to two birthdays that I wanted to go to, but that's probably best for them, since I'm throwing snotty tissues absolutely everywhere.

I'm trying to set up a pretty WordPress multi-user blog on one of my domains now. I had the idea of inviting various people (people I know can write something interesting) into a sort of community. I'm tired of forums now, I need things that are easier to keep up with. If I can customise WP enough I'll post about this new project if it happens...

For some reason about 3 totally random new clients contacted me recently, and that's on top of the 3 I'm currently dealing with. Only two were actually strangers (met one the other day) but I still really need to push myself to keep up with them. I thought about implementing some sort of disclaimer (when I put the new design site up) that says something about me not using this little business as my main income and about it perhaps being professional but still really a hobby. I don't know, that might make it seem even more unprofessional... But since I have only earnt a little bit from about one paid job per year I only call it a 'service' and not a business. I honestly don't want to have too many clients because web design is really an ongoing thing when you set it up for people who don't know anything about it, thus need you to make any updates etc. Anyway, at the least I need to be a bit more organised about meetings with clients.

My last entry was pretty depressing but things haven't been so bad since. Minus tonight, my sleeping hasn't been too bad and I have been quite busy for once so that keeps me from dwelling on things. My piano recital the other week seemed to go well, I just wish I didn't make mistakes. The feedback put a bit of confidence in me, considering some of it came from a boy who'd just ended the recital with La Campanella, exclaiming that it was renowned for making women faint while I bounced around in my chair in excitement to hear it played for real. Otherwise, I am going to keep trying and trying but ultimately even if it comes to exam time I don't have to book one. I am still learning a lot and at the moment I gain more confidence by these little recitals and lessons. I am convinced that my confidence, though I don't know how it got so low, would only be shattered by a poor exam performance and average results. Apparently I need to talk about the pieces and composers beforehand, let alone all the technical stuff. At least I know my sight-reading is passable. Better get researching and nail those scales *cries*.

Hi malefiction , I love you. :D

What better place to let out a bit of frustration at my present state...

I wish it were not past 7am. My sleeping habits have degraded again, my syndrome seems to have relapsed in the last few weeks, I weigh a horrible 55kg again, and the only time I've felt happy in a month or two was last night for a short time. I haven't been getting enough exercise or sunlight, I have contributed almost nothing to this household in weeks, and I have been avoiding almost all social interaction, including anything to do with clients. I have had absolutely no drive or desire to do anything, except random things in small bursts, and I am also upset about piano stuff. QQQQQQQQQ.

( In more detail... )

I said the other week that my next entry would be about the 'new forum', and contain no whinging. Well, several entries later, I am pleased to announce the official official opening of it. If you haven't already joined (everybody's probably already been spammed about it by Lowana), here's the link:

Things seems to be much better for Healesville and Toolangi residents at the moment, but they're still on an alert. Adam's family, it seems, have narrowly missed the main path of  the fire up there. I hope other houses are as lucky.

Well, my best friend has just evacuated her town because it's under direct threat at the moment. Hopefully it won't be badly affected but a bad wind change and you just don't know... It's incredibly fast and unpredictable. Other friends have evacuated and hopefully won't returned to find destruction of their own homes. My boyfriend's parents, 15 minutes from Kinglake, have decided to stay at their property to defend it, but they are essentially surrounded and at high risk. There's no way we could get to them, even if we wanted to. It's a good thing I'm living at home, a bit further away, but driving up to Toolangi now won't be the same. All the roads in are going to be surrounded by black. Driving into town this afternoon I stopped in two places with decent views of the whole range and it just brought tears to my eyes. I know those hills, those towns, and when I see thick smoke pouring out of them it's just ... surreal.

So for anyone unaware, fires are still burning, the threat is still extremely high in many areas, and the destruction is absolutely huge. On an emotional scale, it's unmeasurable.

Went Christmas shopping yesterday, but also spent my birthday money (plus a bit extra...) on:

- Beethoven sonatas (2nd book), complete Chopin Mazurkas, complete Chopin Etudes, Rach. C#m prelude (now I don't have to keep using my crap printed copies!)
- Twilight movie companion, and soundtrack (because I like to own as well as pirate :P)
- Mozart's Requiem (good Russian recording), and this opera cd set with a great handbook
- Pokemon Pearl YAY!

Yay! Thanks to KRudd I'm now completely out of debt, and can probably afford Christmas presents for family and stuff.

Ahhh. *contented sigh* Just looking around me... I have the prettiest new dress (hat needs a bit of wiring though), a box of nice presents, a DS lite (my boyfriend can be very generous), and a nice new quilt on the bed ... even if I melted chocolate in it already.

I had the Melbourne Twilight convention in the city last Sunday (also a present from Adam), cocktail party in the evening, then took my niece to the pre-screening in the city the next day. My birthday was on Tuesday, which was desultory, lacklustre and somewhat miserable until the evening. My last piano lesson for the year was on Wednesday, and I told my teacher that if all goes well I will be able to come back next year. He was pleased. I don't want to have to stop them because of my financial situation. But my plan is not to get back into debt... which probably means less trips out, shopping at Aldi, no impulse buys, and finding some more work.

Thursday and Friday I got my sister and we prepared for my party, and Friday night I went to a 'big hair party'; I didn't do much with my hair but I think it looked big enough. Was feeling extremely tired and hormonal and didn't stay too long to enjoy it.

Saturday decided to rain absolutely all day, so there was no chance of picnicking, but a lovely tea party was still had, and I got to have it surrounded by my favourite people! Here's a selection of good (and rather questionable) photos (my favourites are the 6 in a row of Adam and I), and some more pictures courtesy of Melissa. I'll put up a few myself when I can be bothered. After the party we retired to Adam's dad's 'bar' and drank lots of champagne.

This week is supposed to be restful but I really need to get a stack of website work done. Next week I am 90% sure I'm getting another piano... a lovely old restored German instrument. I should be excitable but it hasn't happened yet. I've been too stressed about family stuff and living arrangements to feel excited or happy about anything, except for the success of my soirée. Things should be on the up now, but this Christmas is not going to be so great. Last year my whole family were together at my house, and that doesn't seem likely to ever happen again. My parents split up a few months ago (they don't know yet if their counselling will be a success, or if they'll reconcile) and then I took my sister away too, to stop her being antagonised so much by my father. I don't live at home right now either. Adam's house is only mildly less stressful to dwell in, and becomes the place I least want to be when his brother is present. I've been at a loss as to what to do when there's no way we two pensioners can afford to move out. Perhaps I need to learn to tolerate family more. I'm just in this awkward place where it's time I 'left the nest' completely but it's so impractical and expensive to do it.

That's enough from me now.

Yay! Just over 2 weeks until I get to meet Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz Edi Gathegi, and Taylor Lautner. Really happy about the third guest announcement. I personally wasn't expecting it (and I also wasn't expecting it to be anyone particularly important) but I think it's great news.

Then my birthday's on the 9th, and I'm having a Baroque/Rococo Tea Party & Picnic on the 13th. It's going to be an affair to remember! This is going to be my most expensive party yet, and I don't usually spend much at all... But it's going to be beautiful; I've bought flower teas and everything (jasmine/chrysanthemum and lily globe amaranth, though they do look a bit creepy).

I'm face painting in the city tomorrow for $300... I hate doing it now but I badly need the monies!

It's taken about an hour just to get to position '1110' in the WoW queue.

LET ME GET IN SO I CAN LEVEL MY ELF!

Exploring Northrend is fun!

Things that bug Amy #182746

Masseurs who, while massaging, constantly try to either up the price/time of a massage OR try to sell you things at the same time and demand that you visit their shop/clinic and buy their products.

The irony of somebody hassling and stressing you out at the same time they are supposed to be relaxing you.

On Sunday and Wednesday I played at two piano recitals organised by my piano teacher. His other students (mostly advanced or adult) also played. Sunday was a lovely day and about 10 of us regaled a room of about 30 people at a black Yamaha grand. Everybody played very well, and it was a pleasure to meet some of the other students who are likely to go far in their music. One fellow about my age gave us a Schubert sonata in A minor that last about half an hour, a real monument of a piece, and sensitively played. Today was a little more informal, and we played to the folk, in their twilight years, of a Jewish nursing home.
On both occasions I played Fast zu ernst (Almost Too Serious) from Schumann's Kinderszenen (Scenes from Childhood) and a Michael Nyman piece called If, also known as Rochester's Farewell which plays at the end credits of "The Libertine". Much to my surprise, I didn't succumb to nerves or mess anything up, certainly didn't make any noticable mistakes... and my teacher's wife later came to me to tell me she had wept at my playing! I've never been told that before! She and my teacher then took me out for lunch, which was very nice.

In other news, I'm modeling again at Circa Nocturna (a goth/alternative fashion show held in Melbourne each year), this time for Lowana, and may also be remodeling their website, after being asked by the owner if I could. So, that's another job and ironically one I'd hoped might come to me some day (the CN site is rarely updated and not put together particularly well).

Oh, and if I had a truckload of money I'd be getting THIS. It's been on eBay for a while. I wouldn't even care about the tone, it makes me fall in love on looks alone.

 This is sort of like some people do with Christmas cards...

If anyone's mailbox is a bit hungry, or you just haven't heard from me in ages (I can be a bit of a hermit), then this is a post for requesting a letter! If you haven't ever had a letter from me, well, warning: I ramble a lot.

I'll do it with a quill and ink on parchment, in a nice envelope sealed with wax. It will be personal, and you don't have to reply (though it would be awesome).
You just need to give me a few details. (Replies here will be screened)

1. Your name and address
2. Ink colour: black, red, purple, dark blue
3. One random topic I can include in the letter (absolutely anything)
4. Whether you want me to put in a photo, and what it should be of (if you want one but don't specify I'll just put one of my choice in!)

If you're overseas it will take a bit longer to receive. :)

Lowana has a stand at LIVE08 next month and I'm helping. She organised a photo shoot the other night! Her, Carly, Adam and myself modelled the majority of clothing she's made so that she has professional photos of everything for a folio and website. I've already fixed up all the photos with her, made her business cards, gift vouchers, and working on her website (www.vanyanis.net is coming very soon!).

These are probably the photos that turned out best of the outfits I modelled:


 
Tell me your favourites, people!

 Well, I've moved back home.
Adam is with me; he could not stand to be surrounded by a family so 'dysfunctional', and neither could I, so we simply packed up Monday afternoon, put as much stuff in my car as we could fit, and drove back to my house. Things are rather stressful, but I'm quite okay. Adam isn't really, but things will get better. He's at the point where he wants nothing to do with his family any more (bar one cousin), and their lack of care the other day about the situation has left me in no mood to be anything but civil to them.
It wouldn't be prudent of me to go into great detail, and I don't really need to anyway, but I know I've made the right decision in bringing us back here where (while things can still be stressful, and hectic at this time of year) the atmosphere is a bit calmer and far more understanding.

All I'm going to point out is the injustice at this: a drug-taking, alcohol and cigarette-dependent, irresponsible, violent, aggressive, loud, obnoxious, rude, and generally stupid son who has committed various criminal offences is given pride of place, care, and leniency, and puts out the rest of the family on a daily basis, appears to be valued more than a son who is caring, respectful, helpful, quiet, intelligent, never behaves badly or causes problems (well, at 20 years old nobody should be!), and is a pleasure in general to have around. The latter and his girlfriend are also expected to tolerate the fights, yelling/swearing, and tantrums of the first, and put up with the attitude of the parents about this disgusting behaviour (which is nothing short of accepting).
I don't think so.
Upon leaving, it is evident that both parents believe the problem really lies with the 'latter', who is Adam, and that he ought to just go back and talk to his psychiatrist, because, in their opinion, he should be turning a blind eye to the problems going on, and be dealing with it by ignoring it. Their biggest concern appeared to be over a few dirty sheets, rather than the son (and myself, who had been living there since early this year) that had just been driven out of home.

There are a few good things about this.
- I have been missing my possessions, cat, etc. and am glad to be here in familiar old surroundings, in my room, awaiting the arrival of siblings from interstate who I haven't seen in a while. After Christmas, we will be looking, slowly, for somewhere else to live. A small unit or sharing somewhere...
- Maybe, just maybe after a while, Adam's parents will begin to see the mistakes they have made in the upbringing of their children in the last 10 or so years, the consequences wrought, and what they are left with. Adam is the most precious thing to me in the world, an incredibly unique and gifted boy, and it has boiled my blood to see his closest family let things keep going the way they have been. 
- I have my personal space back, my own toilet/bathroom, no constant interruptions from a busybody of a woman, no dogs barking incessantly, a house that isn't full of filth, rubbish and junk, and my piano!
- For the first time, Adam is going to be away from his family and, with my help and my parents', we will try and help him on his way to independence and some self-sufficiency. We are going to encourage him the whole way, I have helped him set a few little goals, we'll teach him to drive and get his license, and instil a bit more self-worth in him however we can.

Ahh dear. I am going to sleep now. This situation is probably the biggest thing on my mind, with Christmas and all its events/stresses coming in second. My back's all out and I don't know when I'll be able to get it fixed by my chiropractor. I'm not so stressed about money (for once!) because my pension went up after I turned 21 the other week. Funny how my best friend of 6 years didn't think to turn up or even wish me Happy Birthday... I don't think I should be resentful, should I? Perhaps I'm allowed to feel a bit hurt though? I don't know.