Olótiriel a Lorlondë

olotiriel @ 2009-11-03T00:41:00

2009-11-02T15:16:04Z

While it has been quite easy to attempt to cut someone out of my life without any hostility, it seems difficult for them to realise I have done this. I am not giving a "cold shoulder", I just don't want to be friends any more. I don't feel hatred or resentment, and I haven't said or done anything to create a tension. I just want to pull away from it and move on. Like so many marriages which dissolve into a relationship of mere convenience, routine, or duty, this relationship has become one where as "friend" I am expected to endure endless commands, requests, criticism and to receive "friendly" gestures only when it suits. I have turned into a lesser priority over the last few years. Those appear to be the facts. While at first I was quite annoyed at the situation which prompted me to make this decision, as the weeks have passed I have not really felt anything. I have not missed or felt sad or angry, I have not desired to share anything or "catch up". In fact, my mind has been filled with a much deeper focus on certain things, especially wholesome and important things. I have decided it would be unkind of me to act in any hostile way. Naturally while I still feel love, as a fellow human being, I don't currently possess a great enough affection or rapport to feel bitterness. I have thought through forgiveness, confrontation, outright nastiness... We are supposed to present the other cheek for a second blow, receive it gladly, continue on in love. What about smiling and walking away? I have tried to find a moral excuse to, in a sense, walk away and move on, and there seem to be the selfish reasons like "not wanting to put up with it any longer" and then a statement of my conscience which says that I should turn from any bad influence. One half of the person I was 6 years ago has really changed; that is unchangeable and simply the path that I've traveled, but there have been countless occasions where my choices were simply wrong. Wrong in any context, in fact. Anybody might've led me there, but I was never dragged, only following willingly.
I think I can then say, "no, I don't like what I am when I am influenced by you, or what I have become because of my inability to make a good decision or exercise discretion while in your endlessly-encouraging presence. Therefore, I remove myself from your presence and carry on where I am more needed or can find more wholesome endeavours (and people) who encourage me in a better way."

Now, I am not sure where this is going, but I will see if any new events or thoughts change any of this in the coming months.

In other news, I received a B+ for my exam (practical) which was good because it was higher than I hoped. The report was nicer than I expected and it has been relaxing to be able to put those pieces down (or pick them up for a run-through just for pleasure). I am going to work on "Big My Secret" for a summer recital, and a Chopin Nocturne (and hopefully polonaise) in the coming months. I had a lovely opportunity to sing a capella in a group the other day as part of a sort of seminar, or informal lecture, out of a series of other "lectures" at he School of Philosophy's Cultural Day. Only a few others were able to follow well or hold a good tone, but there were certainly moments where things were together and harmonious. I would love to be back in a choir singing some warm alto part!

New things on my agenda include going to the dentist, helping my grandparents have a garage sale and move into a retirement village, attending a Twilight/New Moon release in Geelong, and then I don't know what. Little things just pop up in between. I am reading "Angel Time", Anne Rice's instalment in her newest series, which certainly won't disappoint, and hopefully receiving a bookplate from her to place in the cover! I have been reading The Purpose Driven Life, Jesus Freaks, and What's So Amazing About Grace? which are encouraging and inspiring for the most part. They have certainly led me to think a lot harder, put some things into perspective, and strengthen (or perhaps rebuild in an all new material) my relationship with Jesus!

olotiriel @ 2009-10-20T08:04:00

2009-10-19T21:13:36Z

Leaving in one hour for piano exam. My right hand is SORE from yesterday's practicing and erasing all the pencil marks on my music. It's funny when you have nearly a year's worth of focus on a repertoire and then it all comes down to an hour or so with an examiner, and I don't have to play them again. I like my pieces but it will be lovely to have some new goals, hopefully another Bach fugue, Beethoven sonata movement (Appassionata 2nd or Pathetique 1st!) and certainly a Chopin waltz or mazurka.
My recital on Sunday seemed to go as good as possible, the Beethoven in particular was being really driven along by something. Was pleased.

This is probably the earliest I have EVER posted on LJ. Breakfast time!

olotiriel @ 2009-10-07T23:46:00

2009-10-07T16:46:13Z

Fun day today. Had a short lesson, then ordered sheet music for exam (need genuine copies that aren't covered in pencil), and took my older sister her birthday present (a basket of French wine, poached pears, organic free trade chocolate, Aesop hand balm, and chai tea mix and drinking chocolate mix (it's like real chocolate in powder form)). Her and my nieces seem to be stressed to the max at the moment. I think they're stressheads anyway but they deserve a break too. Hmm.
I saw CDs I've been really want in the music shop; Nyman's opera, Facing Goya, Yvonne Kenny's Handel Arias, and an Emma Kirkby CD. Resisted them for now, since they're obscure and no one is going to snap them up. Couldn't resist a few other things though, including 5 tealight candle-holders at $3 each with nice damask patters, and for about $30 got 8 books from op shops that I didn't have (now I have 6 or 7 editions of the Silmarillion, yay), including some ancient French books. If they were all new I think it would've cost in excess of $150. Oh, and a nice gold plaster mirror for $20, smaller and less ornate than Adam's but cute anyway.

I made my first quiche for dinner tonight, but now I'm still hungry. :( There is no chocolate left either. I think I'm going to have a quiet day tomorrow since Friday I have yet another lesson and recital. Need to pick a second piece though, and I'm choosing between Chopin and Ravel. The Chopin is a bit longer and more impressive, but perhaps I'll wait and see what the audience is like. This reverend/bishop man was around this afternoon and had lots of encouragement for me, so that's nice.
My grandparents are moving into a retirement village soon, buying a smaller place than what they have now, since now is a good time for them to do it.
Ooh, Adam and I bought DS chips last night, can't wait for them to arrive!
My mind seems to be flitting from one random thing to another. I wonder how many events and thoughts I can fit into one post without it being too incoherent!
I composed about 36 bars of a song last night, though it's not exactly a final draft and needs to be 3 times longer still before I can really develop it and call it finished. It's not quite the same as my usual pieces, and I'm not bored of it yet which means it has potential.
I really want to see Tosca and the Marriage of Figaro next year when they show next in Melbourne. La Traviata is only playing in Sydney though. :( Melbourne needs a bigger classical and opera presence, and it's times like this that the idea of living in a city and being ferried a short distance to an opulent theatre to see something, especially baroque or Italian opera, with champagne and chocolate, dinner, and a stroll afterward, it becomes attractive. But I like being far away.

Photos and other stuff

2009-10-03T16:46:47Z

I decided to play 'photographer' today, and dolled my niece up in my clothes and makeup to try and get some cool pictures. I'm quite pleased with them actually, played around with the levels to get interesting lighting, but that's it. The first is my favourite.

I have a small preview of a shoot I modelled in weeks ago, I thought the makeup and styling was interesting.

What else... As usual I owe a lot of money and have none, but there will be an increase to my pension soon and two payments should cover all my bills and this term's piano lessons. I was seriously stressing about piano for a bit but have relaxed since I had some recitals that went well. I've FINALLY been concentrating a more on technical work (mastered those diminished and dominant 7ths at last!) but need some more opportunities to practise the aural tests. This feels like such a big deal for like, one hour's examination, and only seventh grade at that. But at least progress is being made in one part of my life.

I still badly need... a pair of everyday shoes, my own ungraffitied copy of Ravel's "Valses nobles et sentimentales", and probably the entire Well-Tempered Clavier. Grrr, it's just turned fucking daylight savings. Whose brilliant idea was it to make people get up in the dark just so we could have another hour of daylight when most people are sitting at home watching the evening news or eating dinner? At least W.A. got to vote it out.

I did up a quick new header to match this new layout too. It was time for a different colour and mood.

Last week I had an extremely unpleasant experience (nothing major though) and after it decided to change a few things. I felt extremely unhappy for about 3 days and didn't want to do anything or play piano. It rained very solidly which was sort of cool, but it meant I couldn't go for walks. The sun came out on Monday which made me happier, and I had a good piano lesson. I picked up my niece who stayed with me until this evening, bought two much-needed bras (one really pretty with matching bottoms and the other supportive enough for me to run around in), and then enjoyed the week as much as was possible. Today for the first time, even with intense pain when I awoke, I managed to get up with relative ease and started feeling in control of my illness. I can't completely ignore it, but while it does not define me it is still integral to my life and may always be. Being slightly more active is giving me the increased mood to deal better with it, and I am convinced that this could play a huge part in the recovery or management of almost any illness. The hard part is only deciding to start and then sticking to it! My better mood could be in part due to the fact that, after the 'unpleasant experience', I decided to separate myself from a certain issue and my mind has not been dwelling on it so much since. It's something I don't think I can change and I don't want to get caught up in the trajectory of events, conversations and opinions now. I have no desire to resolve it at present and would rather have nothing to do with it until a time when, by unforeseeable chance, it ceases to be something that leaves me feeling inferior and taken for granted. I'm aware that I'm being prideful but there are only so many times you can stick your hand into a flame.

Thankfully there are other sources of joy and meaning in my life. I'm going to cuddle with one of them now...

olotiriel @ 2009-07-22T17:46:00

2009-07-22T11:20:53Z

Ahh, our weekend is all over now. I won't really miss Sydney at all but I do lament the fact that Melbourne doesn't get as many good shows.

Some highlights in the last week include:
- Confirming my 7th grade exam... don't know when it will be yet though.
- Having Michael Nyman offer to meet me backstage after his concert next week.
- Seeing Half Blood Prince (yyaaaaayyyy!).
- Getting a new corset and skirt.
- Seeing Acis & Galatea / Dido & Aeneas.
- Jumping on a random ferry and cruising around Sydney harbour at night.
- Adam buying me cool things in Sydney.
- Arriving home in the early hours of Tuesday to a note informing me that the cat had left a dead mouse somewhere in my room. I have yet to find it.

On the wishlist there still remains:
- Money for the rest of this term's piano bill, and to pay Adam back.
- Tickets for Handel's Messiah in December.
- Nodame Cantabile piano bag
- 3 Bach music books + a Ravel book
- A good metronome and enough money to get my piano tuned
- This DS shell replacement

Can't think of anything else to talk about. I just feel annoyed for no reason right now.

olotiriel @ 2009-07-06T01:24:00

2009-07-05T17:32:07Z

Hehe. Adam looks like Snape in my userpic, which is good because I've been having random bursts of Severus-lust. On that note, I'm pissed off because all the IMAX midnight screening tickets for HBP sold out, as have the gold lounge ones for my closest cinema. No genuine pirated versions have popped up yet so unless they do in the next few days (it's quite possible) I shall be seeing it merely on the day along with all the other poor sods who settle for that. Harumph. I feel very disconnected from fans at the moment. All the old people I used to obsess over Harry with have sort of gone their own ways, and nobody directly around me seems to have... well, the passion for it. I can't connect with anyone over this, ugh! Well, it's probably a good thing that I can't find too many people that get obsessive like I do over certain things!

Anyway, I had a horrid head cold all of yesterday which kept me in bed, and have been recovering today. Also, I shouldn't have eaten large serves of icecream two nights in a row when I felt a sore throat coming on. Being sick meant I couldn't go to two birthdays that I wanted to go to, but that's probably best for them, since I'm throwing snotty tissues absolutely everywhere.

I'm trying to set up a pretty WordPress multi-user blog on one of my domains now. I had the idea of inviting various people (people I know can write something interesting) into a sort of community. I'm tired of forums now, I need things that are easier to keep up with. If I can customise WP enough I'll post about this new project if it happens...

For some reason about 3 totally random new clients contacted me recently, and that's on top of the 3 I'm currently dealing with. Only two were actually strangers (met one the other day) but I still really need to push myself to keep up with them. I thought about implementing some sort of disclaimer (when I put the new design site up) that says something about me not using this little business as my main income and about it perhaps being professional but still really a hobby. I don't know, that might make it seem even more unprofessional... But since I have only earnt a little bit from about one paid job per year I only call it a 'service' and not a business. I honestly don't want to have too many clients because web design is really an ongoing thing when you set it up for people who don't know anything about it, thus need you to make any updates etc. Anyway, at the least I need to be a bit more organised about meetings with clients.

My last entry was pretty depressing but things haven't been so bad since. Minus tonight, my sleeping hasn't been too bad and I have been quite busy for once so that keeps me from dwelling on things. My piano recital the other week seemed to go well, I just wish I didn't make mistakes. The feedback put a bit of confidence in me, considering some of it came from a boy who'd just ended the recital with La Campanella, exclaiming that it was renowned for making women faint while I bounced around in my chair in excitement to hear it played for real. Otherwise, I am going to keep trying and trying but ultimately even if it comes to exam time I don't have to book one. I am still learning a lot and at the moment I gain more confidence by these little recitals and lessons. I am convinced that my confidence, though I don't know how it got so low, would only be shattered by a poor exam performance and average results. Apparently I need to talk about the pieces and composers beforehand, let alone all the technical stuff. At least I know my sight-reading is passable. Better get researching and nail those scales *cries*.

Hi malefiction , I love you. :D

olotiriel @ 2009-06-10T05:46:00

2009-06-09T21:44:41Z

What better place to let out a bit of frustration at my present state...

I wish it were not past 7am. My sleeping habits have degraded again, my syndrome seems to have relapsed in the last few weeks, I weigh a horrible 55kg again, and the only time I've felt happy in a month or two was last night for a short time. I haven't been getting enough exercise or sunlight, I have contributed almost nothing to this household in weeks, and I have been avoiding almost all social interaction, including anything to do with clients. I have had absolutely no drive or desire to do anything, except random things in small bursts, and I am also upset about piano stuff. QQQQQQQQQ.

I don't know why, but I am constantly trying to escape everything lately. When I say 'bedtime' I end up doing everything possible to distract myself until my eyes are just closing on their own out of tiredness. When it reaches 6am or so I'm just tempted to stay up until the next evening, but never do it. Then I can't move until after lunch, and am so groggy I can't seem to work up the willpower to stay awake; I head back to bed until mid-afternoon. It still takes an hour or two for the burning to subside.
I hate myself, I hate my stomach and everything else. I feel like crying and hurting myself every time I catch a glimpse of my reflection, but I do neither. Adam is really the only thing keeping me from being over-the-top at the moment. I feel disgusting and all of these feelings fly in the face of the logical advice I would give to myself or anyone else feeling the same.
I can't (this is an evil recurring C-word, isn't it?) *seem* to accomplish a thing. My proudest achievement of late has been keeping my room tidy for a few weeks. I am embarrassed about the amount of practise I get away with at the keys. I know there are people much younger than me who manage to get in 5-8 hours of practise a day and it yields such wonderful results. I get exhausted after half an hour of focused playing! I do slowly improve, but for someone as impatient as me it is incredibly frustrating and unsatisfying. In a way, I love my lessons and I love that my teacher is understanding and has such a wholesome approach to music and the way it should be taught. But I have to play 6 7th grade pieces perfectly for an exam, plus whatever technical work they request! I WISH I were capable, I want to be able to do well, but I refuse to pay money to have my confidence pushed down by an examiner who's probably just listened to a 12-year-old Chinese prodigy play everything in his 8th grade exam perfectly. I'm terrible at technique, and my memory is awful. My concentration is almost nil these days and I don't feel positive about anything. I am the biggest quitter. I feel like going to each lesson saying "I CAN'T do this! It's useless to try when I'm only going to fail!" but saying anything along those lines has led to me receiving a slight telling-off for ah, basically putting myself down and sounding like a broken record. My teacher and his whole family are so encouraging that I think guilt would stop me pulling out of any of it. How on EARTH am I supposed to have a bunch of pieces (or even one) ready for a recital in a few weeks?! I don't really suffer from nerves, but my stupid concentration suffers because I am aware of a roomful of people and forget to concentrate. There has got to be a way to overcome all of this. I know there is, I know that breaking it all down and achieving one little thing at a time is the way about it, but it's just all ridiculous. It's so easy to say that I will do (or want to do) this and that, write up lists and plans. Gods, maybe I ought to think of a few positives to start off. I'm sure I can be forgiven for that.
- I KNOW I'm capable of playing all that music, why can I do it alone or with focus, but not the rest of the time? Would an average exam grade even matter if I could say that I'd tried? To me, anything less than a B would have me in tears and wishing not to exist. I wish wish wish I had the energy and drive to play and play, focus and forget my surroundings or the quality of whatever piano. I liked Bolet's approach to the Chopin Nocturne, I think I'll try and play with that controlled gentleness. The rest of the pieces are wonderful, but not nearly the standard they need to be at. I wonder if I have time to get them there before an exam. And technique?! I guess I need to just stop procrastinating that. And fucking memorise the inversions of diminished arpeggios or whatever.
- I guess I'm not disgusting OR particularly ugly, but it's very hard to dispel those thoughts. It's wet and freezing outside so just stepping out results in an urgent need of my ventolin, but it doesn't stop me using the rubbishy exercise bike in the next room. Stop making excuses and keep using it! It helps!
- For once, I have been controlled with my [lack of] money for about a month or two now. Each time money arrives, I pay whatever is due and then use the remainder on groceries and fuel. I don't think I've bought anything else for weeks now, no impulse buys. It's almost unheard of for me, and my impulse buys aren't exactly typical or extravagant to begin with. Something like 50% of my clothes are secondhand and I've been wearing the same pair of shoes for about 4 years. I rarely ever buy beauty/hair products, I never buy anything like perfumes or dressy shoes, I haven't eaten out anywhere in ages, and I've kept travel to a minimum lately. I've been keeping a wishlist on my wall for anything that catches my fancy and tempts me, writing it there instead of buying it. Having that wishlist puts the items in perspective. It's amazing how much stuff I honestly don't need, almost all of it is either a superficial desire (like a red/black dragon DS Lite case replacement) or something more to add to my hoardish collections (e.g. earlier editions of any of the History of Middle-earth). So, yay for curbed spending. +20
- Oh, I managed my first visit to the dentist in about a decade the other week! Phew! It was about what I expected; half a dozen fillings. Two wisdom teeth to be taken out eventually, since they're annoying but not causing any great problem. We decided that I'd go to Adam's private clinic and I'm seeing his next-door neighbour as a dentist, and she is really nice. I used to be very afraid of them, and it's not like it's going to be pleasant OR cheap but yes, achievement there. +10.
- My mum actually told my dad she didn't plan to return, instead of giving endless mixed messages to him and everyone else. He seems to be dealing well, and I feel sort of better that ... nope, actually, I don't feel good at all about it. I'm not happy about the idea of having separated/divorced parents, but neither do I find the idea of a reconciliation a relief. Sometimes I forget the things that went on, and maybe it's a good thing because I think I like having an okay relationship with both parents. Sometimes images of things in the past pop up and it's weird. Screaming at him not to speak to or treat my mother or my sister in such ways, the constant tormenting and breaching of personal space. Endless teasing and condescending, denial of everything. He NEVER listened. I am very quiet with him now, merely civil, unless it's about something practical like the cars. The good changes I have noticed in him actually leave me feeling weird, it is a different side, pretty much new, not the father I grew up with. He is humbler and almost more pitiful. He doesn't lose his temper anymore, he gets excited when my sister comes over and tries to be extra nice, he keeps trying and trying in simple, almost pathetic ways. Sometimes I hate it because that behaviour deserves to be met with me being equally as nice, but my resentment still makes me very critical and matter-of-fact with him. Mum has changed a bit too, she isn't so passively angry (or angry at all) or stressed. I feel this horrible pity for her too, small and overweight with such stamina and this endless love and acceptance and tolerance of all her children and their shortcomings. I feel like a disappointment and I am not able to be much more than civil to her at the moment either. I liked it when I was younger and it was fine to go to mum for protective hugs and they just fixed everything. I feel guilty about being antagonised and terrorized by my father, and guilty for resenting mum for letting everything happen for 20 years. I feel ashamed of being a sick daughter who finds it too much of a struggle to accomplish much of anything. I hate the idea of being a girlfriend, or wife, that turns into a combination of my parents. There are a bunch of other things on my mind that are difficult to deal with at the moment, but these must be the current upsettings ones...

Well, now I actually feel a tiny bit better. Honestly, I'll look back at this in a few years and roll my eyes at the drama. On the other hand, I read a few entries from one of my diaries, set about 2005, and I was describing myself in a position oddly close and depressing to my current one. I don't think I've changed much. I've become more cynical and a bit dismissive (traits I actually hate), but I'm also surprised at how having a loved one doesn't change people that much. I am very happy about Adam and things are great, I don't feel lonely any more and am very satisfied in this relationship, but I haven't really become more motivated or 'better' as a person. Underneath, I'm still Amy... annoying, indecisive, scattered, haughty, and always bouncing between self-assurance and a complete lack of confidence.

I guess I might read now. Or cuddle Adam the Comforter.

olotiriel @ 2009-02-28T00:31:00

2009-02-27T13:51:51Z

I said the other week that my next entry would be about the 'new forum', and contain no whinging. Well, several entries later, I am pleased to announce the official official opening of it. If you haven't already joined (everybody's probably already been spammed about it by Lowana), here's the link:

Aletheia Nocturne

It's supposed to be better than the other ones, but I'm still waiting for it to really pick up. Facebook and those sorts of places that are quick and easy and perfect for stalking seem to take the place now of old-fashioned posts consisting of some intellect.

We have Circa Nocturna tomorrow night. I need to go to bed now so I can have enough sleep and get up, ready, drive a crap car into the city and sit for a while getting made up, fussed over, and photographed. Then I have to do catwalk in front of heaps of people for less than a minute. My stays will be mercifully loosened after that. By the end of the show I'll be really tired and probably won't feel like attending an after-party, but we'll see. I have nothing to wear anyway...

Third movement of the Sonata Pathétique is going so-so. I haven't had much time to practise it over and over to really lock it in, and the keys are still stiff so it's not easy to get a really even tempo. :( Hopefully by an end-of-year recital I'll be adept at it. Then I can work on the first movement properly next year and play the entire sonata. Maybe in 2011 I'll do the Appassionata well. *dreams*

olotiriel @ 2009-02-10T14:11:00

2009-02-10T03:24:45Z

Things seems to be much better for Healesville and Toolangi residents at the moment, but they're still on an alert. Adam's family, it seems, have narrowly missed the main path of the fire up there. I hope other houses are as lucky.

olotiriel @ 2009-02-09T22:30:00

2009-02-09T12:45:38Z

Well, my best friend has just evacuated her town because it's under direct threat at the moment. Hopefully it won't be badly affected but a bad wind change and you just don't know... It's incredibly fast and unpredictable. Other friends have evacuated and hopefully won't returned to find destruction of their own homes. My boyfriend's parents, 15 minutes from Kinglake, have decided to stay at their property to defend it, but they are essentially surrounded and at high risk. There's no way we could get to them, even if we wanted to. It's a good thing I'm living at home, a bit further away, but driving up to Toolangi now won't be the same. All the roads in are going to be surrounded by black. Driving into town this afternoon I stopped in two places with decent views of the whole range and it just brought tears to my eyes. I know those hills, those towns, and when I see thick smoke pouring out of them it's just ... surreal.

So for anyone unaware, fires are still burning, the threat is still extremely high in many areas, and the destruction is absolutely huge. On an emotional scale, it's unmeasurable.

More loot

2008-12-17T07:23:22Z

Went Christmas shopping yesterday, but also spent my birthday money (plus a bit extra...) on:

- Beethoven sonatas (2nd book), complete Chopin Mazurkas, complete Chopin Etudes, Rach. C#m prelude (now I don't have to keep using my crap printed copies!)
- Twilight movie companion, and soundtrack (because I like to own as well as pirate :P)
- Mozart's Requiem (good Russian recording), and this opera cd set with a great handbook
- Pokemon Pearl YAY!

Recent Stuff.

2008-12-15T15:49:49Z

Yay! Thanks to KRudd I'm now completely out of debt, and can probably afford Christmas presents for family and stuff.

Ahhh. *contented sigh* Just looking around me... I have the prettiest new dress (hat needs a bit of wiring though), a box of nice presents, a DS lite (my boyfriend can be very generous), and a nice new quilt on the bed ... even if I melted chocolate in it already.

I had the Melbourne Twilight convention in the city last Sunday (also a present from Adam), cocktail party in the evening, then took my niece to the pre-screening in the city the next day. My birthday was on Tuesday, which was desultory, lacklustre and somewhat miserable until the evening. My last piano lesson for the year was on Wednesday, and I told my teacher that if all goes well I will be able to come back next year. He was pleased. I don't want to have to stop them because of my financial situation. But my plan is not to get back into debt... which probably means less trips out, shopping at Aldi, no impulse buys, and finding some more work.

Thursday and Friday I got my sister and we prepared for my party, and Friday night I went to a 'big hair party'; I didn't do much with my hair but I think it looked big enough. Was feeling extremely tired and hormonal and didn't stay too long to enjoy it.

Saturday decided to rain absolutely all day, so there was no chance of picnicking, but a lovely tea party was still had, and I got to have it surrounded by my favourite people! Here's a selection of good (and rather questionable) photos (my favourites are the 6 in a row of Adam and I), and some more pictures courtesy of Melissa. I'll put up a few myself when I can be bothered. After the party we retired to Adam's dad's 'bar' and drank lots of champagne.

This week is supposed to be restful but I really need to get a stack of website work done. Next week I am 90% sure I'm getting another piano... a lovely old restored German instrument. I should be excitable but it hasn't happened yet. I've been too stressed about family stuff and living arrangements to feel excited or happy about anything, except for the success of my soirée. Things should be on the up now, but this Christmas is not going to be so great. Last year my whole family were together at my house, and that doesn't seem likely to ever happen again. My parents split up a few months ago (they don't know yet if their counselling will be a success, or if they'll reconcile) and then I took my sister away too, to stop her being antagonised so much by my father. I don't live at home right now either. Adam's house is only mildly less stressful to dwell in, and becomes the place I least want to be when his brother is present. I've been at a loss as to what to do when there's no way we two pensioners can afford to move out. Perhaps I need to learn to tolerate family more. I'm just in this awkward place where it's time I 'left the nest' completely but it's so impractical and expensive to do it.

That's enough from me now.

Convention :D

2008-11-21T13:20:05Z

Yay! Just over 2 weeks until I get to meet Ashley Greene, ~~Kellan Lutz~~ Edi Gathegi, and Taylor Lautner. Really happy about the third guest announcement. I personally wasn't expecting it (and I also wasn't expecting it to be anyone particularly important) but I think it's great news.

Then my birthday's on the 9th, and I'm having a Baroque/Rococo Tea Party & Picnic on the 13th. It's going to be an affair to remember! This is going to be my most expensive party yet, and I don't usually spend much at all... But it's going to be beautiful; I've bought flower teas and everything (jasmine/chrysanthemum and lily globe amaranth, though they do look a bit creepy).

I'm face painting in the city tomorrow for $300... I hate doing it now but I badly need the monies!

olotiriel @ 2008-11-16T19:29:00

2008-11-16T08:31:20Z

It's taken about an hour just to get to position '1110' in the WoW queue.

LET ME GET IN SO I CAN LEVEL MY ELF!

Exploring Northrend is fun!

A MINOR ANNOYANCE

2008-10-25T07:36:33Z

Things that bug Amy #182746

Masseurs who, while massaging, constantly try to either up the price/time of a massage OR try to sell you things at the same time and demand that you visit their shop/clinic and buy their products.

The irony of somebody hassling and stressing you out at the same time they are supposed to be relaxing you.

Stuff

2008-09-24T17:14:27Z

On Sunday and Wednesday I played at two piano recitals organised by my piano teacher. His other students (mostly advanced or adult) also played. Sunday was a lovely day and about 10 of us regaled a room of about 30 people at a black Yamaha grand. Everybody played very well, and it was a pleasure to meet some of the other students who are likely to go far in their music. One fellow about my age gave us a Schubert sonata in A minor that last about half an hour, a real monument of a piece, and sensitively played. Today was a little more informal, and we played to the folk, in their twilight years, of a Jewish nursing home.
On both occasions I played Fast zu ernst (Almost Too Serious) from Schumann's Kinderszenen (Scenes from Childhood) and a Michael Nyman piece called If, also known as Rochester's Farewell which plays at the end credits of "The Libertine". Much to my surprise, I didn't succumb to nerves or mess anything up, certainly didn't make any noticable mistakes... and my teacher's wife later came to me to tell me she had wept at my playing! I've never been told that before! She and my teacher then took me out for lunch, which was very nice.

In other news, I'm modeling again at Circa Nocturna (a goth/alternative fashion show held in Melbourne each year), this time for Lowana, and may also be remodeling their website, after being asked by the owner if I could. So, that's another job and ironically one I'd hoped might come to me some day (the CN site is rarely updated and not put together particularly well).

Oh, and if I had a truckload of money I'd be getting THIS. It's been on eBay for a while. I wouldn't even care about the tone, it makes me fall in love on looks alone.

Guess the quote!

2008-03-10T13:41:53Z

1. Pick 15 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search or other search functions.

1. The Libertine
a- I handed you a chance to show your shining talent and what do you give me in return? A pornographic representation of a royal court where the men only deal in buggery and the women's sole object of interest is the dildo!
b- A monument to your reign!

2. The Pianist
Germans never use Jewish toilets. They're too clean for them.

3. Interview With The Vampire
But hark, methinks a mortal doth approach.

4. The Secret Garden
a- Please don't send me away, I won't do any harm.
b- Harm? What harm can a child do?

5. Heavenly Creatures
All the best people have bad chests and bone diseases. It's all frightfully romantic.

6. Hannibal
On a similar note I must confess to you, I'm giving very serious thought... to eating your wife.

7. Fellowship of the Ring
You cannot hide. I see you. There is no life in the void. Only death.

8. Shine - odin_jones
a- No one's ever been mad enough to attempt the Rach Three.
b- Am I mad enough, professor? Am I?

9. Phantom of the Opera
One final question: how long should we two wait, before we're one? When will the blood begin to race? The sleeping bud burst into bloom? When will the flames, at last, consume us?

10. Stealing Beauty
a- Why are you crying?
b- Because I want to kiss you.

11. The Silence of the Lambs - odin_jones
Good evening, Clarice.

12. The Piano
What a death! What a chance! What a surprise! My will has chosen life! Still it has had me spooked and many others besides.

13. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - odin_jones</lj> odin_jones
Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

14. Family Guy - odin_jones</lj> odin_jones
a- Um... that's never happened before.
b- The eight seconds of sex or the 45 minutes of crying?
a- Uh, I guess both.
[pause]
a- Do I give you money now?
b- Yeah, I'm gonna go.

15. Tristan and Isolde
a- If things were different, if we lived in a place without duty, would you be with me?
b- That place does not exist.
a- [sobs] I'll pretend it's you.

Who wants mail?

2008-01-29T13:03:27Z

This is sort of like some people do with Christmas cards...

If anyone's mailbox is a bit hungry, or you just haven't heard from me in ages (I can be a bit of a hermit), then this is a post for requesting a letter! If you haven't ever had a letter from me, well, warning: I ramble a lot.

I'll do it with a quill and ink on parchment, in a nice envelope sealed with wax. It will be personal, and you don't have to reply (though it would be awesome).
You just need to give me a few details. (Replies here will be screened)

1. Your name and address
2. Ink colour: black, red, purple, dark blue
3. One random topic I can include in the letter (absolutely anything)
4. Whether you want me to put in a photo, and what it should be of (if you want one but don't specify I'll just put one of my choice in!)

If you're overseas it will take a bit longer to receive. :)

Photo Shoot

2008-01-27T17:06:30Z

Lowana has a stand at LIVE08 next month and I'm helping. She organised a photo shoot the other night! Her, Carly, Adam and myself modelled the majority of clothing she's made so that she has professional photos of everything for a folio and website. I've already fixed up all the photos with her, made her business cards, gift vouchers, and working on her website (www.vanyanis.net is coming very soon!).

These are probably the photos that turned out best of the outfits I modelled:

Tell me your favourites, people!

olotiriel @ 2007-12-19T01:50:00

2007-12-18T15:38:29Z

Well, I've moved back home.
Adam is with me; he could not stand to be surrounded by a family so 'dysfunctional', and neither could I, so we simply packed up Monday afternoon, put as much stuff in my car as we could fit, and drove back to my house. Things are rather stressful, but I'm quite okay. Adam isn't really, but things will get better. He's at the point where he wants nothing to do with his family any more (bar one cousin), and their lack of care the other day about the situation has left me in no mood to be anything but civil to them.
It wouldn't be prudent of me to go into great detail, and I don't really need to anyway, but I know I've made the right decision in bringing us back here where (while things can still be stressful, and hectic at this time of year) the atmosphere is a bit calmer and far more understanding.

All I'm going to point out is the injustice at this: a drug-taking, alcohol and cigarette-dependent, irresponsible, violent, aggressive, loud, obnoxious, rude, and generally stupid son who has committed various criminal offences is given pride of place, care, and leniency, and puts out the rest of the family on a daily basis, appears to be valued more than a son who is caring, respectful, helpful, quiet, intelligent, never behaves badly or causes problems (well, at 20 years old nobody should be!), and is a pleasure in general to have around. The latter and his girlfriend are also expected to tolerate the fights, yelling/swearing, and tantrums of the first, and put up with the attitude of the parents about this disgusting behaviour (which is nothing short of accepting).
I don't think so.
Upon leaving, it is evident that both parents believe the problem really lies with the 'latter', who is Adam, and that he ought to just go back and talk to his psychiatrist, because, in their opinion, he should be turning a blind eye to the problems going on, and be dealing with it by ignoring it. Their biggest concern appeared to be over a few dirty sheets, rather than the son (and myself, who had been living there since early this year) that had just been driven out of home.

There are a few good things about this.
- I have been missing my possessions, cat, etc. and am glad to be here in familiar old surroundings, in my room, awaiting the arrival of siblings from interstate who I haven't seen in a while. After Christmas, we will be looking, slowly, for somewhere else to live. A small unit or sharing somewhere...
- Maybe, just maybe after a while, Adam's parents will begin to see the mistakes they have made in the upbringing of their children in the last 10 or so years, the consequences wrought, and what they are left with. Adam is the most precious thing to me in the world, an incredibly unique and gifted boy, and it has boiled my blood to see his closest family let things keep going the way they have been.
- I have my personal space back, my own toilet/bathroom, no constant interruptions from a busybody of a woman, no dogs barking incessantly, a house that isn't full of filth, rubbish and junk, and my piano!
- For the first time, Adam is going to be away from his family and, with my help and my parents', we will try and help him on his way to independence and some self-sufficiency. We are going to encourage him the whole way, I have helped him set a few little goals, we'll teach him to drive and get his license, and instil a bit more self-worth in him however we can.

Ahh dear. I am going to sleep now. This situation is probably the biggest thing on my mind, with Christmas and all its events/stresses coming in second. My back's all out and I don't know when I'll be able to get it fixed by my chiropractor. I'm not so stressed about money (for once!) because my pension went up after I turned 21 the other week. Funny how my best friend of 6 years didn't think to turn up or even wish me Happy Birthday... I don't think I should be resentful, should I? Perhaps I'm allowed to feel a bit hurt though? I don't know.

Rant, hehe.

2007-11-24T11:46:41Z

Ugh, wonderful.

Rudd is a pathetic, disgusting little man. And the majority of Australians want him overseeing this government? They're stupider than I even gave them credit for. I'm not sure if I hope I'm proved wrong, or hope to gloat in a few years time if everyone else is proved wrong.

I think this is the first time I've bothered to care at all about the outcome of an election.

A relative of Adam's was acquainted with Rudd's family a few months ago, and you know what? Not ONE of his family were voting for him; they know he's an untrustworthy, shirking, cocky sleaze. If he doesn't have the support of the people who know him best, why do millions of ignorant citizens pledge it to him?

Just for the record, I didn't vote Liberal OR Labor, though I don't disagree with all of their policies; I am just revolted by Idiot Rudd and his slimeball face.

olotiriel @ 2007-11-09T00:28:00

2007-11-08T13:54:38Z

Not sure why I feel like posting all of a sudden, but I suppose a few things have me in a good mood and I feel compelled to list them.

- I just baked choc chip cookies! Yum yum. They're better than the last lot but I can still do better. One day, one day, I will make them as good as my sister's. Because when she's not around I can't nag her to just make them for me :(

- Made three more chokers and listed the other ones on eBay. No bids yet though :( The new chokers are pretty nice, though I'm sorely tempted to keep two of them (the stitching is a bit dodgy and visible on one, and the other matches an outfit I have perfectly). I don't think I'll list any more on eBay unless the ones on there now sell.

- Adam got a PS2 today and has been glued to the screen by various wrestling games. Of all the games to play, he bought fighter/wrestling ones!

- Going to see Wendy Rule tonight in Warburton. This'll be the third time I've gone to see her play. Come along too if you're in the area! At Wild Thyme, 8:30pm, $10 for charity.

- I started piano lessons again! More expensive than I envisioned, but very valuable. He's a really nice, patient man, and after just one lesson I'm playing better and gaining strength in my fingers. He said I had a nice touch and played very nicely. I'm perfecting some of Chopin's etudes and Paderewski's menuet, and then we'll get onto some Liszt. I've been very classical-oriented lately, instead of just more modern lilting pieces.Anyway, I'll probably have to just take next week's lesson and then tell him I'd like to start in the new year once I can afford it. Students are supposed to pay in 10-week increments, but I don't have $700! In fact, I haven't even managed to save more than $150 this year (and blew that).

Goodnight :)

Finally posting!

2007-10-27T14:22:25Z

LJ seemed to have screwed up my overrides or something, so I've been forced to change my layout (using some nice pregenerated thing, which is quite unlike me) and this sort of made me feel obligated to post for once.

First a few notes to some people on here, in the hope they'll read them, before continuing on with a bit of news and happenings.

diabolus_animus  - I am VERY long overdue for a hug and some time spent. Are you still at the country club? Can we set some time to catch up soon so I can introduce you to Adam? Please! You are often on my mind and I feel I have neglected my duty as a friend!
frenchme   - It's nice talking to you more often :) I'm not at home these days so I'll have to ask Adam's parents if I can make an international call some time.
Adam  - I LOVE YOU! Tomorrow I can play this for you... and maybe sing it some time if no one is about.

In the moonlight, like a whisper,
Walkèd one whose silver hair,
Like the silk of some far vista,
Shimmered in the breezeless air -
And her haunting ghostly splendour,
In the moonlight’s pale glance,
Paled dreams of sweet and tender
Lovers locked in love’s swift dance,
Merely by her countenance.

In other news:

- Picking up a piano tomorrow morning that Adam and I bought off eBay. It's another heavy, old ex-pianola, but I have been in dire need of something to practise on (and then take with me in future, assuming I don't suddenly become rich and able to afford a 12ft Steinway or other) and it was local and only $150.

- Have a bit of a waitressing job just down the road at Adam's aunt's who runs a tearooms in a sort of historical gardens where she also gives tours. Am very happy to have a big of extra money, and I think I'll be able to start piano lessons again!

- Got some new sheet music (Chopin and Bach) yesterday and can't wait to play it on something better than a little keyboard! All I want for birthday and Christmas is sheet music! It makes me so happy! Though I have created an updated wishlist, for anyone who wishes to peruse...

      - ~~A particular skirt from Victorian Gothic~~
      - Another particular parasol from Vic Gothic...
      - Another fountain pen
      - The Lord of the Rings complete recordings soundtracks
      - "Shine" on DVD
      - Space Quest 1-6 PC game pack
      - The Letters of JRR Tolkien
      - A frame big enough to mount my map of Middle Earth
      - ~~Creatures: The Albian Years PC game~~
      - ~~A quill set from Spellbox or eBay~~
      - A proper copy of The Piano and the Libertine soundtracks (instead of my downloaded ones)

Chances are that I'll buy most of them myself because I'm impatient, but if people in my family start asking me what I want this year, I'm going to be specific for a change and point them in the direction of things I'd really love.

- Redesigned my Elven Design website, which now looks great and will have a few more updates in the near future.

- Adam and I have an awesome new black & red dragon bedspread and burghundy sheet set (for our nice big comfortable queen bed) and it looks great!

- Have been making chokers as another way to earn a bit extra. If you like gothy-looking chokers, I can do a lot of custom colours and designs!

- Have pretty much given up clubbing and going out to drink and stuff, which is good for the pocket and the liver. Aside from something like Red Moon once in a while, you won't see me out any more. I just stopped enjoying the whole scene and stuff, it drained too much energy when I live so far away.

I think that's all!

oooOOOooo

2007-01-18T16:00:54Z

I'm excited about tonight!
My sister and my friend Drew both turn 18. She's having an Oriental themed party at home so I'll be helping with that for a while, and then me and Lowana are heading in with friends to Nemesis to wish Drew a Happy Birthday. I can't wait to see Janet, drink plenty of vodka.... and hang out with Robbeeeee, haha

I picked Lowana up from the airport (again!) this morning and we spent the day together. She brought me back 3 Tolkien books from a second-hand shop in New Zealand, and I was delighted to have never even heard of two of them! They were some analytical smallish softcovers published in the '70s, as well as another copy of Master of Middle-earth. Then we did some shopping and she convinced me into buying a bikini top made of coins (the belly dancing sort), to wear to Nemesis. I tried it on and we planned how I'd wear it and what with, and the idea became very appealing. So I'll be all in silver and black, and it's going to be such fun to wear! Will hopefully get a picture of it.

There have been something like 5 really hot days in a row so far, and there are still 3 more to go before (apparently) a slightly cooler day. I don't speak for just myself when I say I almost can't stand it! I think I got a bit dehydrated this evening and I got up from a nap and just felt awful, I was crying because my body was burning so much. But it hasn't been so bad since I got back on the medicine from my naturopath. At $60 for 21 tablets (and $16 a bottle for the disgusting other stuff I'm taking), I'd want to hope they made some difference.

Well, I had 2 1/2 hours sleep last night, and one horrible nap this evening, so most of me is saying 'SLEEP NOW!'

Goodnight!

One of those self-pity posts...

2007-01-10T14:24:38Z

How do you get across to people how much pain you're in (physically) when you can't tell them what causes it, how exhausted and lethargic you are when you appear to do almost nothing, and how those things alone are probably enough to make you utterly moody and unhappy when you just don't want to be! No, I'm 'no fun' when I can't function or think about anything but my burning nerve endings, I 'live too far away' when you want me to come over and entertain you and your bored friends who (and not limited to: clubbing friends, R. House friends, friends who live close in comparison to the others) won't come and visit me! With some exceptions! Why are all these stupid little things getting to me so much!
Well, I like to be reclusive, thankyou, don't take your time with me for granted!

I managed to be genuinely happy with everything for about 2 weeks, which was awesome. I want to get back to that! But then my natural high (or something) just dissipated and for the last week I've been back to stupid Grumpy Amy.

That said, I have the following things to look forward to (but unless they're actually happen, the excitement over them isn't enough to help me feel better, grr):
- Nemesis Friday night
- Sean's housewarming Saturday night (yay for seeing Erika! Drinking with her!)
- my sister's Orient-themed 18th the following weekend
- Golgotha on Australia Day Eve

---- 2 hours later

Am not so grumpy now, went for a walk with a friend, bitched a little and realised it's probably the heat doing it to me right now.
Nothing else to report on really. Nothing anyone can do, except not hassle me too much! Lalala!